Am I crazy? I am the only one on the planet besides people under 12 that LOVE birthdays? I must be. Today was mine. My 33rd. I woke excited and ready to take on the day with joy and excitement. Anyone who really knows me knows that I LOVE birthdays. I’ve always considered them MY day - for one day out of the whole entire year when the whole day is suppose to be about me. Just one day. One. And it’s not about the gifts - it’s about making me feel like I’m special and the only one that matters for just that one moment in time – for one day….until another 364 days pass again. And every year I build myself up and look forward to MY day and the feelings that I hope I feel — ones of love, caring, laughter, devotion, like I matter, like I’m adored. And for what? Apparently nothing. I’m always let down on my birthday - I never feel special and today was probably one of the worst ones yet. I just feel completely worthless…..nothing special about me…..like no one cares. Sounds like a pity party - I know but damn it - it’s my birthday and I’m a miracle. A miracle! YOU HEAR ME?!!! I said a miracle. I wasn’t suppose to be here. My dad almost died just months before I was concieved — long story I’d rather not tell just yet…I’m not ready — but damn it I was a miracle and I AM special no matter what the hell anyone else thinks. It really sucks being alone on my birthday and feeling like I’m invisible. But…..who the hell cares? No one.
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October 19th, 2007 at 10:32pmElle
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone
~Maya Angelou
I’m not typically a quoter of Angelou, but this happens to sum up perfectly the way I feel at this precise moment in time……..
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September 3rd, 2007 at 03:25amElle
Think with your heart
Speak with your soul
Touch me and feel
The world become whole
Break down the walls
Keeping you far
Be as in love as you think you are…..
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August 19th, 2007 at 12:42amElle
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
………I want him to love me irresistibly and desire me completely.
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August 8th, 2007 at 10:58pmElle
I’m feeling lonely tonight. Really lonely. I miss the conversation and intimate moments with a man. I need that interaction and closeness.
I long for him…..
and no one understands…or even knows the depths of my yearning.
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July 15th, 2007 at 10:18pmElle
“I’ll Love you till the ocean
is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky”
~W.H. Auden from As I Walked Out One Evening
I hope that one day, someone loves me this much.
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June 19th, 2007 at 08:55pmElle
Fucked up. It’s as simple as that. I fucked it up -
I
I
I
Me.
I fucked it up.
And it’s eating me alive inside. How the hell do I fix this?
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June 16th, 2007 at 12:01amElle
I want a connection.
Something real and greater than who I am.
I want a man to tell me that he WANTS to fall in love with me…and then does.
I want someone that is passionate….about me.
Is that too much to want?
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May 7th, 2007 at 11:30pmElle
He’s called me for days now - every day. I like it.
Tonight he called while I was grocery shopping. Pleasant conversation. Ten minutes into it I asked him nonchalantly, “are you missing me or something to call like this?” To which he replied, “Of course I miss you - I’ve missed our friendship and closeness the entire time — almost 2 years — everything else we had was a bonus. I love you. I’ve always loved you - I never quit loving you (my name).”
He sounded happy talking to me. Admittedly, I was happy to talk to him but I’m scared.
Scared of my feelings. I’m not sure I’ve allowed myself to really feel them - if that makes sense. I have a wall up and I’m trying to protect myself this time. I can’t hurt like I’ve hurt in the past again. ………….and it’s difficult not allowing myself to feel something that I soooooo want to feel. The problem is - do I just want to feel that feeling again with someone….or do I want to feel that feeling again with him?
Loneliness makes me question myself immensely — always wondering which feelings to trust and which feelings to allow myself to really feel.
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March 29th, 2007 at 09:59pmElle
In the quiet hours I am still — aware of only me and the truth of my inner core. It is during those times that I reflect on the value of my worth and this life’s journey. As I’ve been alone with thoughts all night tonight I reached for a little Norah Jones in hopes of delving into the smoothness of her melodic tones that have so many times taken me away from myself. As I lay here listening to the rhythmic cadences of her sultry and tempting voice I am taken back to him. It was listening to this music that I remember the beginning of something beautiful a few years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday and I remember how I felt at that precise moment when we we both knew we were heading for unchartered water, yet, we sailed as only two young lovers would - blindly into the winds howling around us with all the confidence of being able to tame them with only our love. We tried….oh God, did we try. Sigh. I wish for yesteryear and the promise of an outcome different than the one I lived and remember.
He still calls when he can. I can no longer bring myself to answer them. But I want to. And I want to go to him - but I know I can’t. I want to see if “it” is still there and I want to be in his arms just one more time. I want him to hold me the way he did that night. I want him to kiss away the tears…..again.
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March 25th, 2007 at 05:11amElle
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